Breaking the Silence

My last post was about the courage to use words.  Since posting that, I've been finding it so difficult to not be silent.  How is it that speaking out can so easily silence me?  My heart has so much it wants to say but my mouth is frozen. How do we break the silence? When the fear creeps in and takes control, how do you find your voice again?

Sometimes, maybe you just have to start with one word and take it a word at a time, until the chains of silence start to break...


So here is an attempt to break my silence...

of speaking, of remembering, of sleeping, of being, of feeling...

Shame

I know the shame isn't mine to carry, but I don't know how to get rid of it. It's a silencing shame and cuts right to the core of my being...

Fragile, small, cut off, discarded... tossed aside after being used.

Super-sensitive and utterly exposed.

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The Courage to Use Words...

There are words that are used to describe certain things that as a survivor I absolutely hate to hear, never mind use.  They make my stomach flip head over heels and everything in me tries to shut them out - as if by not allowing myself to connect to them I remain untouched by them.

When I was a teenager I went out of my way to make sure everyone thought I was clueless about sex, even to the point of being ridiculed for it. It worked in making sure no-one found out the truth. 

Denial is a powerful thing.  It takes a lot of courage to step out of denial and turn to face things you'd rather push away forever.  I'm still working on that but I still find it extremely difficult to use words that other people use to describe certain things.  Here are a couple of examples...

Rape - ughh. So many people, particularly young people around my age or younger, seem to use that word in a joking way.  For me it's a word that makes me want to run away and hide.  Rape is not a joke. It's not funny.  It's awful... and it destroys people.  Not too long ago, I couldn't even bring myself to say the word in any context... never mind a personal one.

Pornography - I feel afraid to even type this word.  It is a word that seeps with shame and degradation.  My past is full of being degraded and humiliated and during those times I wished and wished with all of my heart that no-one could see me.  Taking pictures and somehow immortalising those awful, soul-destroying events... there isn't a word that does justice to summing that up. 

Wouldn't it be nice if people would choose their words more carefully when they make jokes or simply throw words around without considering what they actually mean? On the other hand, wouldn't it be nice if those of us who've been on the receiving end didn't find it so devastating and frightening to use words to speak out?

Courage is a word that makes me stop and think. I've learnt that having courage doesn't mean you have no fear. I think it's the fact that you are terrified and yet you still do the thing you are afraid to do, which makes you courageous.

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Safe Refuge

Sleep is proving to be a big problem for me right now. I'm having one of those rough patches where I either can't sleep, don't want to sleep or I'm dragged back into the world of abuse night after night in my nightmares. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep.  What a silly place to find myself! 

Wouldn't it be nice if sleep was like a holiday where it's full of beautiful places, relaxation and friends. :) I didn't sleep at all last night again and spent most of today trying to get some sleep (I haven't really slept for the past couple of days at least and I'm ill too so not really a great combination).  There's somewhere that is the most special place in the world to me and I use it as a safe haven to try to go in my mind when I need that extra feeling of safety. 

There are deserts... but with beautiful oases tucked away, where there are waterfalls...

...and life in the dry and seemingly dead places...

...even the desert itself has it's own beauty... like the sun lighting up the mountains in the evening...

...then there are sunsets that take my breath away...

...and beyond the desert there are rushing rivers that get my heart racing...

...and a beautiful lake where the sun sparkles on the water making my heart light up with joy...

...with quiet shorelines where the water quietly laps against the pebble beach...

... where I can dip my toes in and let the cool water gently soothe me and fill me with peace and contentment.

That's where I try to go when everything is raging inside and the darkness of my dreams and memories try to take over. I'm grateful for the beauty in the world even when my life has been full of pain and terror.  I still had nightmares when I slept a little today.  I probably need to take some time to try and deal with the stuff that my mind isn't letting me avoid right now... but it's good to have somewhere of refuge and safety to help give me a bit of relief in the midst of all of that.

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Those Grey Kind of Days

It's been raining for a couple of days straight. Okay so maybe that's not that unusual for this part of the world, at this time of year (or any other time!).  At least the gales seem to have stopped. The wind has been howling down the chimney and rattling the whole house for the past 48 hours or so. Now it's just that grey kind of day - grey, dull skies, rain splashing everywhere at a seemingly constant rate.  Sounds depressing right?

Sometimes getting through rough patches in our healing is a bit like riding out a storm.  The wind might howl and rattle you inside and out for a while.  Then the rain starts to fall and splish sploshes on everything.  But after a while, the sun comes out and everything starts to feel warm and bright.  One thing I've noticed  is that even in the midst of the howling wind and the relentless rain, we can find comfort.  It's on the grey kind of days that it feels nice to snuggle up in something warm, with a hot drink and comfort food... just letting the rain fall and appreciating it.  After all, if it didn't rain we'd be in a rather dire position!  We need those grey days just as much as the sunny days. Both serve an important purpose and sometimes taking a step back and realising that can be quite enlightening!

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Words

I've been struggling to find words the past few days.  It's hard to 'get stuff out' if you can't verbalise them... okay, so I know there are other ways to find release, but I guess sometimes I just wish I could get the words out.  I've never been good at keeping a journal.  My usual excuse is "I don't know how to find the words to explain or describe what's going on in my head and heart" so I just don't write.

I have been struggling a lot with various knotted messes in my head this past week, and I don't know how to start unwravelling the tangled mess of spaghetti.  Sometimes there just aren't words to describe the emotions or the memories or the confused thoughts.  Sometimes there are words but I'm too afraid to speak/write them. Sometimes no words are good enough.

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Need more layers... or something.

Do you ever feel like no matter how many layers of clothes you put on, you're still naked? Like that shame won't go away? I am safe now and have been for a while, but right now I just keep feeling stuck in that place where everything is stripped from me and I'm not a person - I'm an object that is bartered and used. I can't seem to get my head to stop playing those 'movies'... the flashes of having everything stripped away, literally and metaphorically. And what's left? ...me standing, sitting, lying, crouching... exposed, frightened and ashamed... waiting.

Right now I feel afraid again.  I feel once again like a ball in a game, being thrown around and passed to different 'players'.  Who cares about the ball right? You just do whatever you want to it because it's part of the game and as long as you get your kick, who cares what state the ball is left in?

I want to feel safe again. I want to feel like that shame isn't consuming me. Putting on more layers of clothes isn't working (funnily lol). I just want to be a person. Someone who isn't naked or ashamed.  But right now, I feel broken, and I don't know how to find the pieces to put back together again.

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Friends

There's a quote I love: 

"Friends are the family you choose for yourself" ~ Author unknown

I think for survivors of abuse - where the abuse was perpetrated by family members, or for whom 'family' has never had safe connotations, it can be a way to learn what family is supposed to be like.  I guess my understanding of 'family' is still a work in progress, but one thing I know is this: my 'real family' are made up of my closest friends.  I really appreciate the survivor friends I have too - there's something really special about that.  I hate that those friends have had to go through so much, just as I'm sure they hate the same for me... but I know that they understand and we can help each other though the tough times.  Sometimes there just aren't words to explain what's going on, but we understand each other without needing to use words because we get it.

I treasure my friends and even though I struggle to understand the concept of being cared about, I'm grateful that we don't have to go on this journey alone and we can be there for each other. My 'true family' are those friends. :)

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