There are words that are used to describe certain things that as a survivor I absolutely hate to hear, never mind use. They make my stomach flip head over heels and everything in me tries to shut them out - as if by not allowing myself to connect to them I remain untouched by them.
When I was a teenager I went out of my way to make sure everyone thought I was clueless about sex, even to the point of being ridiculed for it. It worked in making sure no-one found out the truth.
Denial is a powerful thing. It takes a lot of courage to step out of denial and turn to face things you'd rather push away forever. I'm still working on that but I still find it extremely difficult to use words that other people use to describe certain things. Here are a couple of examples...
Rape - ughh. So many people, particularly young people around my age or younger, seem to use that word in a joking way. For me it's a word that makes me want to run away and hide. Rape is not a joke. It's not funny. It's awful... and it destroys people. Not too long ago, I couldn't even bring myself to say the word in any context... never mind a personal one.
Pornography - I feel afraid to even type this word. It is a word that seeps with shame and degradation. My past is full of being degraded and humiliated and during those times I wished and wished with all of my heart that no-one could see me. Taking pictures and somehow immortalising those awful, soul-destroying events... there isn't a word that does justice to summing that up.
Wouldn't it be nice if people would choose their words more carefully when they make jokes or simply throw words around without considering what they actually mean? On the other hand, wouldn't it be nice if those of us who've been on the receiving end didn't find it so devastating and frightening to use words to speak out?
Courage is a word that makes me stop and think. I've learnt that having courage doesn't mean you have no fear. I think it's the fact that you are terrified and yet you still do the thing you are afraid to do, which makes you courageous.
When I was a teenager I went out of my way to make sure everyone thought I was clueless about sex, even to the point of being ridiculed for it. It worked in making sure no-one found out the truth.
Denial is a powerful thing. It takes a lot of courage to step out of denial and turn to face things you'd rather push away forever. I'm still working on that but I still find it extremely difficult to use words that other people use to describe certain things. Here are a couple of examples...
Rape - ughh. So many people, particularly young people around my age or younger, seem to use that word in a joking way. For me it's a word that makes me want to run away and hide. Rape is not a joke. It's not funny. It's awful... and it destroys people. Not too long ago, I couldn't even bring myself to say the word in any context... never mind a personal one.
Pornography - I feel afraid to even type this word. It is a word that seeps with shame and degradation. My past is full of being degraded and humiliated and during those times I wished and wished with all of my heart that no-one could see me. Taking pictures and somehow immortalising those awful, soul-destroying events... there isn't a word that does justice to summing that up.
Wouldn't it be nice if people would choose their words more carefully when they make jokes or simply throw words around without considering what they actually mean? On the other hand, wouldn't it be nice if those of us who've been on the receiving end didn't find it so devastating and frightening to use words to speak out?
Courage is a word that makes me stop and think. I've learnt that having courage doesn't mean you have no fear. I think it's the fact that you are terrified and yet you still do the thing you are afraid to do, which makes you courageous.
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