This Sunday, it's Father's Day. I guess for most people, this is a happy day - a day to celebrate having a wonderful dad, and showing your appreciation for all he's done. For people like me, it's a very painful day.
It seems as though everywhere I turn, there are painful reminders that I don't have a dad. He's not dead, but he's not in my life. And when he was in my life, it wasn't something to be celebrated because he hurt me in ways no father ever should. I still love my dad, and that makes things like Father's day hurt all the more I suppose. He's still my dad, even though he's not, if you know what I mean?
There seems to be a trend on places like Facebook these days, where people post things 'in honour' of certain things relevant to upcoming holidays or special days. Today I saw this:
"If your Dad is, or was, a hard working man, and is your hero, has helped you no matter how good or bad you were, and is just the best Dad ever, if you are blessed to still have your Dad, or if he is the brightest star in the night's sky, paste this to your status and let everyone know you are proud of your Dad. You can replace a lot of people in your life, but you only have one Dad."
Ouch. :(
Sometimes it seems like from every angle, people around us are rubbing in the fact that our fathers weren't who they were supposed to be, and it's so painful! As for the above status... on the one hand, I kind of agree - you can't ever really replace your biological father. He is who he is. However, I believe you have two families in this life - the one you were born with and the one you choose.
Yes, I long for my dad to be my dad... to love me and treat me as he should... to love me no matter what and to do everything in his power to prevent me from harm... to accept me for who I am and be proud of me. Truth is, he hasn't ever been that and I don't think he ever will be. When it comes to my biological father, I have to accept that I will always be 'fatherless'. That hurts, and it's okay to admit that. I don't know if that pain will ever go away.
At the same time, I have other people in my life who do love me and who do treat me in the way family is supposed to. In spite of the pain that comes with being "fatherless", I am learning what it means to have a family - a real family. I am grateful for that and I know I'm truly blessed to have found that after everything I've been through. Maybe one day, Father's Day won't hurt so deeply. Maybe one day I'll stop trying in my heart to chase after something that I cannot have. For now, I choose to allow myself to feel what I feel, to accept that I can't change who my dad is... and to learn to trust the new 'real' family in my life.
